// Even if they weren’t so great!// C’mon I know you know the lyrics. Anyways, I know this has kinda turned into a poetry blog, but I’m a writer and I need to write this before I go mad. Oops too late.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. The day where everyone eats way too much for their own good and complains about how fat they look for the next three days. Oh wait, sorry, that’s me, I do that. Most people dig this holiday because it’s supposedly the one day a year when they can shout to the world (social media) about everything they’re thankful for without sounding like a total prick. Because, let’s be real, there are plenty of things to say thanks for on a daily basis, but does anyone really ever do that unless they’re prick-ish? Sadly, no. So we all decided that on Thanksgiving, the third Thursday of November, once a year, we could post a paragraph-long Facebook status about everything we appreciate in our lives, or collage those candid shots of family and friends to throw on Instagram because…just because.
Well I didn’t get a chance to do that yesterday, so I’m going to put it here and leave it for anyone who wants to read it. I’m about to get a little rant-y, so I won’t be offended if you close this window right now. But I’m also doing this as a bit of healing for my own sake, so maybe something I say will strike you and I will have influenced the life of another human being, which would be a first.
For starters, I am unbelievably thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, who I’ve had the pleasure of loving for nearly eight months now. He’s never left my side, and I basically owe him my soul for everything he has done for me. He is an incredible man, and I love everything about him- even the things he does that annoy me.
I’m thankful for my family, even though they literally drive me mad. I guess I’m just thankful to have a family, period. We’re not like any family I’ve ever met. That’s mostly a good thing.
I’m thankful for all the assholes who are no longer a part of my life. This is the rant-y part (shocker). To lie awake at night and dwell on the fact that I honestly do not have a single best friend (boyfriends are a different kind of “best friend”) is really saddening. I guess I just happened to pick some real big flakes for friends all those years ago, and now I have no one. But don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for them. Because of all my ex-friends and ex-best friends- shoot, can’t forget the ex-boyfriends- I now know what it really means to be a friend to someone: the complete opposite of you guys! Sorry, that was kinda mean, but it’s pretty true. In all my loneliness, I’ve learned that no one should have to feel the way I do. I have learned that you could be as close as sisters with someone, and in the blink of an eye, they can change their mind on how much they value your presence in their life. And that’s okay. If I don’t belong in your life, don’t keep me there. I’ve learned to be okay in the silence of alone. I know to be more picky (if that’s even possible) about who I trust with something as valuable as friendship, my friendship. Now, I’m not saying I’m an impeccable friend at the start. I’m shy and quiet and probably question 20 times a day whether someone really likes me or not. But the one thing you can count on is that I’ll be there for anyone at anytime of the day for anything. That’s a promise, and it’s also something I learned to do because of all my not-friends-anymore friends. They showed me what it was like to feel low, so now it’s my job to make sure everyone I build a relationship with feels high. Take that pun how ever you choose.
I am thankful for the few apologies I have gotten. I’m thankful for being able to find it in my heart to forgive the people attached to those apologies.
And last, but certainly not least, I’m thankful for pizza muffins because I had those for dinner and they were freaking delicious. Kidding! …kind of.
But I truly am thankful for the people and things I do have in my life right now. I’m nowhere near in the place I want to be, and the sadness of even the smallest things really gets me down most days. But I’m going to keep on keepin’ on. Do it for the h8rz! Kidding again. I’m going to focus on doing things and accomplishing goals for myself because at the end of the day, all I have is me (cliche, gross, I know). This is my life, this is my story, and I’m not going to risk putting anyone in these chapters who doesn’t serve so much as a positive phrase in the pages. I’m going to be around people and do things that I can say I am really, honestly thankful for.